What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 23:55
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot live in the past .
Put me off passion for life!!
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My family never makes their pension either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What's a memory from your childhood that shaped who you are today?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were not on the streets..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What did i know ?
I was 9 years of age.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We all went to grammer schools
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ive learnt so much.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My life is so biszare .
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But it wasn’t much.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Who then, do I blame.?
I waited trembling.
She was in good health!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I will be 64.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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I think the readers, may guess!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was very sick at this time too.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He knew the spot.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
(And it was in our own minds.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
When she asked me how she looked .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
All the time i was locked up.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She found it foreign!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Was to survive, this bastard.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im still living with it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Comes on , in middle age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I never cut or harmed myself..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He resisted the act ,that day.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I don,t even have a pension.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was seconnd youngest,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I said to her
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Especially a lifetime of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I write beautiful poetry .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Would this be the day?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She loved him until the end.
And i lived it daily.
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So, i spoilt her more .
It was going to be , some day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
On the 31st of Jan this month .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is soul school!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .